I’m lying awake in a dingy hotel room in the backstreets of Paris thinking of what I have done. I’m so scared that I’m falling back into the way I used to feel before I met Tallulah. The way I acted was so disgusting and shameful; I completely embarrassed her and made her feel how I felt when Rosie left me. I would never wish for anyone to feel that way.
I was in a bad place when I first met Tallulah at the bar. All I cared about was how I felt and how I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. I didn’t care if I hurt anyone else’s feelings as I was doing it. I used Tallulah to try and get over Rosie who had just left me for someone else. This left me feeling worthless and rubbish like no one would ever want me again. Tallulah just seemed to say the right things all the time; they made me feel better and wanted.
After a few months of seeing Tallulah she had really fallen for me and always talked of love. Whenever she spoke of love I felt trapped and that she would find out that I didn’t really care and I was using her to feel better. I was scared that if she found out how I really felt I would no longer be wanted and left how I felt before I met Tallulah. I suppose I did care about her at least abit otherwise I wouldn’t be worried about her feelings and her getting hurt but then again it could also just be my selfishness and not wanting to be alone.
A few weeks ago I saw Rosie walking down the street hand in hand with the guy she left me for. I despise him so much; I don’t even know who he is. What could he have done to make her so much happier than I did? She was walking with him smiling and laughing so much looking happier than I ever saw her when she was with me.
Tallulah had been given a few days off work so we decided to go to Paris for a long weekend. She was so excited to go and see all the ‘romantic’ landmarks. Frankly I’m sick of all this talk of love and romance all I want to do is drink and have sex. The hotel is budget and is on a horrible backstreet of Paris. From the window you can vaguely see the Eiffel tower towering above everything else. But all that surrounds us is horrible of rows old houses looking like they are about to collapse in on themselves. As for the hotel room the light bulb flickers constantly and you can see the damp coming through the ceiling causing a giant crack through the middle.
I was hoping there would be a nice enough restaurant in the hotel but Tallulah dragged me out to go out somewhere. We wondered the streets of Paris for a while trying to find a restaurant. I let Tallulah pick the restaurant seeing as I didn’t really want to be there in the first place so I really didn’t care. Of course Tallulah had to pick the most romantic candle lit restaurant she could find.
I felt my patience running thin with Tallulah. She was doing absolutely nothing wrong. I was just not in the mood for romance, she was trying to plan what we were going to do the next day but all I wanted to do was get drunk enough tonight that I wouldn’t wake up till at least half way through the next day and then it would be too late to do much lovey dovey romance stuff. So that is what I did. I drank way too much. Tallulah was telling me to stop but I wouldn’t and the more she tried to make me stop the more and more angry I got. I knew this was going to happen at some point but I didn’t think it would happen like this. I couldn’t have picked a worse time to tell her. I probably shouldn’t have even have had to tell her I shouldn’t have even got with her in the first place.
I don’t even really remember much that happened now; it’s all kind of just abit of a blur but what I do really remember is just basically shouting everything about how I felt. How I just got with her to get over Rosie. How I’m still not over her. How I don’t know if I even have feelings for her and that I think it might just be me being selfish. How I’m sick of romance and that I don’t want to be in Paris; and that when she mentions love all I want to do is back into a corner and change the subject.
Now I feel exactly how I felt before and probably even worse. Not only do I feel alone and worthless again but I also feel guilty for making someone feel exactly how I feel.
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